Control Freak Christian?!?

If you’ve read my other blogs or read my bio, you know I’m a self- proclaimed type-A control freak.  I’ve been this way my whole life but only really come to realize it’s impact on my health, the burden it puts on me, and how much I don’t use my gifts to serve but to hold on tight and try to get my way.

As I grow in my faith and open my eyes to the reality of how much I need Christ.  I know I need to let go and Let Him, but yet I cling to my abilities, God-given abilities mind you, that I don’t even let Him use them for His glory – I think I can do it on my own.

I was out for a run the other day, and experience those typical running moments where most of my life changing thoughts flood in.  I think the Holy Spirit knows that’s the best way to communicate with me. Anyway, the workout was focused on being a gracious giver because we have a gracious giver who loves us mightily.

As I reflect on this message I start to think about this new podcast adventure I’ve started.  It’s really brought up some loud and pretty rude internal insecurities that I wasn’t aware were hiding in the deep pits of my soul secretly asking “am I good enough”.   Then, in the middle of my insecurities, I realized a greater ‘fear’  I am afraid God won’t use me to further his kingdom.  I place the same “am I good enough” question on His love for me.  Hold there for a minute… I want God to use me?  Wow, I can be so blind sometimes. We all can be right?! He is using you and me every day, and if we stop wanting to be used our way, it’s clear and obvious that He is constantly at work in our lives. But, because we’re so set in our wants and what we think is best, that means He isn’t?!

I find this to be quite comical actually.  I’m striving (very hard) to get God to use me in the way I want Him to use me… What?!  They are His Gifts He has freely given me, yet I hang onto them so tightly and actually refuse to give them back or even have the confidence to use them to give and serve others.  Seems a bit backward, doesn’t it?

We can get lost in the striving of living our a life of Christian purpose that we forget that the gifts we have aren’t ours but God’s.  We need to receive His gifts with open hands and Give them back to him for His purpose – not our own.

Spiritual Gifts and Human Mindset

In my recent post, you saw my top three spiritual gifts.  Did you go find yours?  In the description of how we can use our gifts, we also learn a bit about how our gifts can also be used for ‘evil’.  These spiritual gifts are our God-given supernatural powers.  He loves us so much he makes us superheroes – cool right?!  The bad part is, we are sinners and too often our sinful nature causes us to be greedy with our gifts and not use them to serve others, but control and judge them.

God has given me the spiritual gift of administration – which means I can ‘own time, or at least I pretend I do.  I often fall victim to using this gift to be a very ungenerous giver.  I am gifted with being driven, organized, forward thinking, detail oriented and very structured.  This gift has many many benefits, because of it I’m able to work a full-time job, own horses, have a beef farm, raise kids and do this side hustle of blogging and podcast.

However, instead of praising him and giving these things over, I hold onto them tightly and strive to get God’s approval of how I’m using them instead of giving them back to Him for His use!

I pray often for “Jesus to take the wheel” of my life because the burden of striving is so heavy, but the second the prayer ends, I close my fists around my gifts again.  I picture it kind of like this – I give someone a really cool gift and they are so happy they are crying tears of joy, and then before they get to use the gift I say; “nevermind I don’t really trust you with this, I’m taking it back”.  How rude right?!

When we take our God-given Spiritual gifts and try to use them within the context of human understanding we become heavily burdened and defeated.

Look, If you’ve excepted Jesus as your savior the Holy Spirit has given you gifts.  These gifts are not gifts that are for you only or even for you to use as you see fit.  These gifts are given to you because you’ve been entrusted to carry out God’s mission and serve others.  These are supernatural gifts that only work fully if we are connected to the supernatural light of the one who gave them.  When we take them into our human view of life and try to use them within the capacity of our human understanding, we end up frustrated, confused, defeated, heavily burdened and often feel like failures. So open your hands, open your life and hand it all over to God – Let Him show you how your gifts can have the superhuman effects He’s created them to give.

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